In the closing paragraph of The Dutiful Daughter’s Guide to Caregiving, I say, “…this is what I know to be true. I really am okay. And you will be, too.”

Since writing the book, I’ve been spending more time exploring what “I’m okay” really means. Well, actually, what “I’m better than okay” really means. A lot of it focuses on rediscovering who I am after releasing long-held identities as a caregiver, and (yes, I’m that old) as an employee. Big stuff. BIG stuff.

Of course, this will be different for everyone, but, just like caregiving, there are always common threads that run through the experience. And also just like caregiving, this is a journey made richer by traveling with friends like you who find yourselves on the same road.

So, here’s the plan. We’re going to do some exploring, tap into our creative side, and gather up big handfuls of joy. Along the way, I’ll share my own low-budget journey of self-discovery, art and writing prompts that go deep, inspiring conversations with women just like us, and tons more goodness.

Of course, there’ll still be lots of support and encouragement for those still walking the caregiver path. You are, and always will be, my people. Just think of this as a mini-retreat where we open ourselves up to possibility, and embrace the potential for what comes next.

A Great Book For The New Year

For me, happiness is watching friends reach a goal they’ve worked hard to attain. So, I asked Colleen Kavanaugh of The Longest Dance to share the inside scoop on an inspiring new workbook she has recently written with co-author, Deb Kelsey-Davis, of the Nourish for Caregivers community.

Colleen, I know this has been a labor of love. Can you share an overview of what the book is about? Thanks for spreading the word, Judith! My Grit, Grace + Gratitude is a 192-page journaling workbook bursting with color and fun and designed to bring more strength, worth, energy, joy, meaning, growth, blessings, grace, abundance, freedom, perspective, and awareness into our lives. You can work through the prompts monthly, weekly, or whenever the spirit moves you; go it solo, or grab a friend and use the book as a catalyst for connection and conversation.

I like the idea of an option to work alone or with a friend, knowing the prompts will be there whenever you have a few moments. Can you tell us how the book actually come about? It was created out of our personal experiences as family caregivers after we realized the common traits of Grit, Grace + Gratitude that exist in each of us when we are faced with challenging times. By bringing our attention to these three characteristics, we can quickly tap into whichever element we need at any given moment.

While the book was inspired by and for family caregivers, it is not specifically designed for any group in particular. We are more than one thing at a time, and definitions that define us often confine us. This is a book that you can pop into at any moment and reflect on what’s working (and not working) in your life, take notice of the people who are helping (or hurting) you, create boundaries that will save your sanity, and bring more awareness and presence to your daily life whatever the circumstances.

Sounds like this book can help readers get more in touch with their thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to do without a supportive community, but you have a solution!

Yes, what’s unique about the workbook is that we host quarterly virtual meet-ups to go over the content and connect with other like-minded individuals. The first one will be on January 9, 2019. When you sign up on My Grit Grace and Gratitude you’ll receive the details to join the call.

That’s a great reassurance – knowing you’re not alone out there. So, now that we understand the foundation of the book, I want to thank you for sending a few sample pages to give readers an idea of the treat in store for them.  Below are two that resonated with me.

This first one is “grab some grit and give yourself a badge.” I particularly appreciated the one that says, “I said NO to something.” That is so hard to do sometimes!  

The second sample is reassuring, because when we’re tapped out and need to replenish, it sometimes feels like too big a task. You’ve offered the possibility of a 5 minute refresher. That definitely seems doable. 

I think this book is a great gift to start the new year with. For more information or to purchase, check out the Resource page on Colleen’s website, The Longest Dance  where she’s offering free shipping on her book right now, or you can order through the My Grit Grace and Gratitude site as print-on-demand, and also sign up for the first quarterly meet-up. Happy writing, everyone, and Colleen – you go girl!

We Were Never The Waltons

The holidays are almost upon us, and what’s supposed to be an occasion for good cheer and family bonding can often turn into added stress for caregivers.

At those times, I think we expect even more from ourselves and from other family members – creating the picture-perfect meal with everyone smiling around the table and getting along. I don’t know about you, but my family was never the Walton’s, even before my folks became ill.

What often saved me was trying to stay in the moment, and let go of the need to have everything just right, including those sibling relationships that became strained over time.

The year my mother was in a rehab facility during Thanksgiving was a perfect example. Our family was fractured, but one of my siblings and I took the meal to her in a mountain of Tupperware containers. The plates were chipped; the napkins were paper; the flowers were wilted; and the tablecloth had seen better days. But there was laughter, shared memories and gratitude for the time we spent together, and that’s really what Thanksgiving is all about.

Wishing you all some much-needed peace this holiday.

Plates In The Air

I’ve been doing a lot of creative work these days, and this piece came out of my deep affection and connection with caregivers, everywhere. You are the stitch that holds everything together, and I’m honored to be part of your community.

Let Go: Because You’re Worth It

As caregivers, it seems we’re always taking on more and more, which just adds to our already crazy stress level. So, what can we let go of to lighten our load? Here are a few suggestions from my own experience.

Being nice, no matter what. Strive to be kind, but nice is not always possible. Sometimes, you just have to speak your truth.

Relationships that aren’t working. People change. Needs change. Sometimes, stepping away is the healthiest thing, even if it’s only temporary.

Expectations of how others should act. That is a guaranteed misery maker. Am I right? You can only control your own actions, and even that’s tough, sometimes.

Second-guessing decisions. The reality is that caregiving often puts you in heartbreaking, no-win situations. Don’t beat yourself up. You can only work with what you have.

Trying to be the perfect caregiver/daughter/partner/sister. Who you are is good enough. Let me repeat. Who you are is good enough.

Worrying what others think. I stopped giving a rat’s patootie about this early on. No one has walked in your shoes, and there will always be “judgers,” no matter what you do.

Trying to fix everything. This was a hard one for me. Despite your love, concern, and efforts there are simply some things that can not be fixed.

Even if your choices are different than mine, it’s clear that letting go begins with the belief that caring for ourselves is just as important as caring for a family member.

What are some of the things on your list?

 

“Why I Wake Early”

“Why I Wake Early 
Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –

best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.”
― Mary Oliver

Let’s Talk Tough Conversations

Caregiving is filled with difficult discussions and End-of-Life talks are particularly hard, uncomfortable, and can even feel insensitive, at times. The key, though, lies in reframing these conversations as acts of love that satisfy a dual need for both you and the person you’re caring for. Not only does your parent/grandparent/spouse/partner have the right to be heard and respected for their choices, but this kind of validation can also bring them comfort and piece of mind. This is the very same thing it can do for you as it removes the burden of trying to guess what their wishes are in a time of crisis.

A good place to begin is with talking to your adult family member about the kind of medical care they want and don’t want as they grow older, become ill, or if a catastrophic health event were to occur. Some questions might focus on their priorities such as wanting comfort care over aggressive treatments; preferring hospice care at home, if possible, over spending final days in a hospital; or embracing quality of life over quantity.

These conversations are deeply rooted in a person’s values, beliefs and what is most important to them, and even if your family member is in the early stages of a dementia diagnosis, he or she may still have a strong desire to make their preferences known.

Talking about it isn’t enough, though. Their wishes must be outlined in a legal document called a Living Will, also known as an Advance Directive. The Advanced Directive spells out instructions regarding preferred medical care if a person is unable to communicate this information on their own.

There’s another necessary legal document that names a Healthcare Surrogate, aka Healthcare Proxy, or Healthcare Power of Attorney. This person becomes the voice of the patient if they’re unable to speak, so this needs to be someone who the patient trusts to do their best in terms of ensuring that medical personnel carry out their wishes. It’s a hugely important role, and one that not just anyone can fulfill. In fact, when I was going down the list of potential prospects for me personally, I ended up choosing my ex-husband, who I will say, was very enthusiastic – almost too much so!

Finally, another critical health-related document to discuss early on is the Do Not Resuscitate form, or DNR, a formal doctor’s order that must be completed and signed by a physician and your family member. Essentially, it states that CPR should not be performed if they stop breathing or their heart stops beating.

The reason this form is so critical has to do with the effectiveness of CPR procedures, which include mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but also electric shock, inserting a tube into a patient’s airway, and even open-chest heart massage. If someone is already in a fragile state, CPR may leave him or her in profoundly worse condition than before. It’s a very personal choice but one that needs to be made ahead of time. For the record, during the time I helped care for my mom, I carried this document with me in my Caregiver Purse, and always made a point of letting hospital personnel know about it. Sometimes, I felt like the Angel of Doom, but making sure my mother’s wishes were honored was always what guided me.

So what should happen next? Make copies like crazy and share t with all healthcare personnel involved in your family member’s care. Keep a set in the person’s home. If they live in a residential care community, make sure the administration has the documents, and always keep copies that you can put your hands on quickly. Also, give to the hospital and/or ER whenever your loved one is admitted. Don’t assume that if you gave it to them once, it will be enough. With the DNR in particular, make sure it’s in a place that can be clearly seen in your family member’s home or room.

Two good websites for more guidance on Living Wills include: AgingWithDignity.org, which offers a form called 5 Wishes, a type of Living Will that addresses emotional, spiritual, and personal needs in addition to the medical side of things. The other site is TheConversationProject.org, which actually offers conversation-starter kits to help individuals and families feel more comfortable when talking about end-of-life choices.

There is nothing easy about having these kinds of talks, which can often be very emotional experiences. And it’s ok to say that it makes you uncomfortable, and you’re unsure how to begin. But, as a family caregiver, having the courage to take the lead on this can actually offer an opportunity to create an even deeper relationship with the person you’re caring for. Who wouldn’t want that?

Note: Another important conversation has to do with seeking a loved one’s input regarding  their funeral or memorial service. Again, it may seem like a subject you shouldn’t bring up, but in reality it’s a way of showing your respect by wanting to honor their final wishes. For more info, see this post (a reader favorite) about planning my mom’s funeral with Barbra Streisand’s help.

 

Covering My Bases Since 1959

A moment from the past. Is it any wonder that caring for my parents in their later years, and writing a book about it, was the natural thing to do? Many thanks to the Florida School System for eventually teaching me the difference between “to,” “too,” and “two.”